THIS WAS MY DREAM

it felt so real, so vivid, I really thought it was real, only to wake up completely overwhelmed with emotions. you were there, and you looked different than I remember, I would look at you often so much and you would not look to me, it was as if you truly moved on, and it was as if I had not, it seems that I truly have been stuck in my past and I have yet to move on. I need to move on.

You were with another and she was not fond of me, then the day came, I thought you were getting baptized, but the one standing next to me quickly let me know that baptism, It was not, the one next to me let me know that you were now "free" in your eyes, something about making an independent decision so freeing that you had finally done to let go, and it was then that you were to be some place far away and I would most likely never see you again. I guess my dreams reveal my heart because [her or not] I ran up to you, grabbed you and embraced you with the overwhelming feelings I had stuffed inside for so long, 

I pretended to be a lot of things since "us", I pretended to have let you go. Though it was I that walked away from you, and as I continue to miss you, I am reminded everytime that it was I that walked away.

you gave me your time, the way you looked at me I don't want to ever forget, you looked at me beyond sadness in your eyes, you looked at me as if you were utterly heartbroken and that I was what you had wanted and I threw it all away, and came running back to you in tears, weeping as you picked me up and held me. 

She watching from the near backside somewhere within distance, as you picked me up. I began to weep, pouring my heart out you held me and briskly took me away to a quiet place with no ears in distance, you began to share your heart, somewhat of your heart, you shared how you believed the moment to be true, you shared how you were "moving on" you couldn't stay, and yes it is true you had tried so hard and everytime I pushed you further away until you were strong enough to let me go, and it was then that I truly loved you but lost you. 

in the dream I poured my heart out to you I completely let go and it was you that I so wanted to have back so much, the dream then switched.
a new dream arose I was trapped in a tunnel of caves with entrances and secret doorways looking for a way out and I was entangled into deeped secret entry ways leaving me lost and running in circles, fear ruled me and overran me and I had so much wanted to escape, as hard as I had tried I was utterly lost and I just couldn't get out. 

I had so wanted freedom but I was lost in this cave of horror. and at one point I had almost gotten free from the torture only to realize there was no escape I would be trapped running in circles, then I went into a deeper sleep.
somehow I got out of the cave and was in a battlefield of some sort and I saw him, secretly disguised I ran to embrace him and the ground we were surrounded by was laced with hidden mines, so every step was a chance to possibly die. "was he worth dying for, was my freedom worth dying for" then I grabbed him and we ran, I inched closer to the end of the field and onto the payment, and I feared death, but it wasn't enough to hold me back though I was utterly scared. 

so I feared but I triumphed. 

we were free, or so I though, there was a wedding and somehow the memories to so many people involved got erased and re intered with falsity, brainwashed, but I knew the truth, I tried so hard to fight my way to this person and to stay but eventually I woke up in utter despair, as I wanted to run to you and call you or text you because I woke up completely missing you [having felt like I was just in a "moment" with you] I entertained the thought more and more of wanting to share my heart with you and try once more because I love you and I want you in my life.  

As I thought deeply about this tempting thought, I thought of the second dream and I realized this is it Mija. "if you do this, then the second dream makes complete sense. if you contact him Mija, even look him up on facebook then the dream is true, you are running in circles with your past. 

you will always begin to progress and grow and change and become better, and then something will trigger some pain in your heart and you will fall back instantly running back and all that progress will have meant nothing, you will have remained living a worthless life of selfishness [tis true]. 

So I realized that when these moments happen I need to continue to let go, remain close to my heavenly father and continue to press on. though my heart aches for you now, I will learn to love God through this.

A BRIEF MOMENT WITHIN A MOMENT

I have wanted things to be perfect for so long, all the while knowing that such would never be. Such was and is non existent. But oh the God of the universe loves me. He completely and irrevocably intolerably love me.

I am the one who longs for God and I pray constantly for him to be enough, yet, I close my eyes.
I'm the girl who flirts with the man at the counter, gets the guys number in line. I'm the girl who comes home from a long day of work only to work around the hour longing to just stop and have a moment with my son.

I'm the one who runs to a man to fill me even though I know only Jesus can fulfill. I'm the one who can recognize the temptation but choose to fall.

I'm the girl who plays with people's emotions because I'm just that selfish. The one who feels the conviction to loud to deny yet I grievously grieve your Holy spirit. I welcome you only to put you out. I pray for closeness and run away when the test arrives.

I doubt my salvation. Lost in this big nation. Filled with indignation of my own self. Putting Jesus in a box on my shelf.
Grace they say. Grace wins. 

But what about today, what about my many sins. Mercy wins, I hear.
I hear Love begins, and he is near. Everything suddenly becomes clear. Oh the joy, lost I say, lost but it's okay.

God is bigger than my enemies. He renews me with endless remedies. Sings over me with harmonious melodies.

Tells me how he loves me, how I am free. Like a tree rooted by waters that cannot easily be moved. Through faith my belief is proved. Self deceived and unaware of the walls of Jericho that I've built, God proves faithful more than I can bear.

Wiping away the guilt and shame, regret is not my name and I am not the same. New, alive, hungry, thirsty, on fire, longing, anxious, emotional I am all of these for my God. Life is but a vapor and my God is with me always. Oh I love you Abba.

BABYLON IS ON THE RISE

speaks volumes to which a height I cannot reach,

is the love you hold for me.

A charge I blowed in which you vowed to impeach, 

so that at such a time as this my eyes might see!

your arms warmth,

breath of freshness,

eyes condensed for formth,

skin soft and breathless,

breath you tell me,

breath!

and so i breath.........

as i close my eyes to you,

i lift my heart in humble adoration and praise,

fill me up Lord and make me clean that i might praise you,

a Savior that i might know, oh how you have saved me,

I pierce my strongholds to the cross,

and it is there in which i let it lye,

and with all of its passions i let all of my sin die!

a darkness i push back and try not to remember, but it is a time in which i wish not to forget, that i might go back, yet still deeper still you rescue me, and show me, i see, i fly, i am in you and you in me,

as we sup, 

our ascension reighns up,

a wretched dirty old raw unclean sinner that i am,

but oh the time, oh the eternal span,

from the great I AM, 

i confess you are The one TRUE GOD!

and i am a slave to you oh master,

take this wretched sin from me,

i despise my depravitiy..

hold me Jesus i want you,

break my heart until all i want is you,

let me loose my life that i might find it.

Jesus i am yours,

take me as i am..

i love you

heart emoticon

IF I COULD FLY

if I could fly, i'd ask him why he made me like this,

if when I die, he greets me with a hug and a kiss,

If words simply cannot describe,

could you please Lord help me learn not to hide,

to openly accept this tribe,

the tribe you died to offer,

that I might know you, and love you.

I, a wretched sinful scoffer,

theres nothing you wouldn't do, 

no heights to far, 

no vast climbs to steep,

you my friend have raised the bar,

you my friend have carried what eternity will forever keep,

if I could fly I would believe in the hope I know to be true,

I would fly into your arms and just say 

"hold me Jesus, you're enough"

life all to much seems weary and tough,

feelings I resent with utter despise,

I despise the rough,

the corbin, the dorphin,

where would I go?

heaven, ahh but I would miss this world, at least what I have come to love and adore,

but heaven,, ahhhh a new door, 

I think I would say good bye,

as I would hug you one last time I would try not to cry,

"he was seven when he lost her, she was a beauty, had a lot of problems, but she was his mother and he loved her very much"

would I really choose heaven over you,

I'm through! I am so through..... threw,,, threw,, through this threw.

created atmosphere, I feel safe,

the bandages and wounds I let you chafe and chisel,

if I could fly I would learn to let go,

everything I would not know,

but I would learn to let go..

if I could fly I would give you my heart, 

I would say "take my heart lead me Lord, make my life complete, a wholly offering, pleasing to you"

then the choir would sing,

and you oh Lord would be the epiphany of it all,

strong standing tall, your love triumphs,

and this battle pumps with brigade,

for you oh Lord your shelter you have made,

made and won,

invade because I am done,

cleanse me o Lord so that I can fly,

I give to you what is sly,

I give you the lies,

the heartbroken cries,

I give you the woundedness,

with arms open I let you caress,

I give to you my dreams,

this field of sinful streams,

I give you the black and cold,

all that is distract, new and old,

if you wont heal me please grant me your peace,

that I might dine in your heavenly feast!!

THEY SAY DRY BONES COME ALIVE

I've heard it said that time heals all wounds,

And I've counted all trials joyous for the sufferings,

I've knelt down on bended knee and poured out my heart,

Prayed and prayed for the pain to depart,

Freedom from this ill-gotten gain,

Mercy through fire's reign.

I'm scared, and I feel so alone,

so much I am not at peace with,

so much that I don't understand,

this, and that, here and there, all around it's everywhere,

this is not my home.

tried and tried,

cried and cried,

died and died,

all this for the hope that lies within,

the darkest of my sin,

still you shine through,

a love the world never knew,

you died and rose again,

and now you live within.

you made a way for these dead bones to come alive,

a way you will never seize to strive,

you amaze me and redeem me,

set my heart a blaze so I can see,

I am yours and you are mine,

over my soul heaven pours, so you shine,

so you shine,

rain down on me,

rain that I might be.

thank you for giving me life,

thank you for the endless love,

thank you for everything!!!!!!!!

PRECIOUS JEWELS

[Jesus, a friend who loves me as I am]

A friend of whom loves me right where I am,

Not because of what I have to offer,

not because I’m beautiful on the outside.

A friend who believes in me at all times.

One who only wants the best for me.

A friend who protects me always,

One who loves me with an unending love.

One who wants my love, yet lets me choose which road I will take.

He loves me just the way that I am.

He takes no joy in my suffering,

Abuses me not, uses me never, speaks no hatred upon me.

Precious jewels he crowns me with,

When the world is against me, he is for me.

When the world has deserted me and I’ve nowhere to go,

He walks with me.

When others are too embarrassed,

to walk the road, I’m often forced to go from time to time,

Because I’m poor,

Jesus, he carries me on his back,

Leading me down Calvary’s lane. 

There’s always enough time to remember what he’s done for me

He tells me,

“when everyone else has left, I’ll still be here, 

when the job’s gone, I’ll still be here, 

when the money runs out I’ll still be here, 

Mija when you feel all alone I will still be here, 

when you start to believe the lies and loose trust in me, 

I’ll still be here, 

when that man comes back into your life,

and steals you from me, 

And then he leaves you like you know he would, I’ll still be here, 

Even though you will forget the truth and doubt my sovereignty/power,

I will still be here,

Even though you won’t agree with my choices,

I will still be here for you,

Even though you’ll forget all about me,

Chasing the world,

I’ll always be walking with you.

Even though I will grieve,

I will spend your whole life longing for just one more,

One hug,

One tear,

One word spoken,

One look,

One thought,

One moment of relationship,

I will feel everything in your life,

You will never truly know the love I’ve for you.

You see it was you I thought of before creation,

Everything in it was for you,

It was you I prayed for on the hill of Golgotha,

It was you I died to save,

It is you I love and it will always be you.

I long for you even after death in this life and the next.

It is you I walk with, 

I am always with you.

You think I don’t hear you,

You think I’ve forgotten,

You think I have turned my back on creation,

You think you have all the answers,

You don’t know a thing!

You think this life is really yours,

You think you know everything,

Pharisee!

White washed tombs!

You say you can do it better,

You think you can be a much better Holy Spirit,

But if you were God, you’d be alone,

Dictating mercy,

Thank God that I am God and you are simply not.

The battles been fought my child,

It is finished.

You spend so much time thinking,

Do you ever really stop to just rest in me?

My presence?

I’m still waiting and I will continue to wait patiently.

Until you’re ready.

Though I love you now I will love you forever,

I am love, 

I will never stop loving you.

LUCIDITY

If life is about surviving, is it really worth living?

If we give begrudgingly, is it really giving?

When day breaks and the pieces fall,

What is the name on whom we call?

When our world crumbles and trembles lead,

Does our faith remain the same indeed?

Time, what is time?

To some, it’s just another rhyme.

But, to others it’s minute less.

Believing life truly is limitless.

If life is meant to live out the gospel,

How many are really living?

How many stop to breath?

What is fresh air without the windows open?

And what is growth without trials?

Why is it that we must be broken before we can truly love?

To love out of meekness when push comes to shove.

My will needs a refilling because it keeps on spilling.

Transform me from the inside,

Until it is in you that I abide.

Fear the Lord with all your being and in your innermost heart you will sing.

WHO WE ARE

We’re hidden in our mother’s womb,

As we grow, the bond grows,

and then [BOOM] we’re born.

Living in a world where everything goes,

We’re up, we’re down, and then we’re worn,

Created to serve, to love, to glorify God.

Created for God, yet born to a world of sin.

Sin that dwells within,

God in heaven watching down,

God in heaven wearing eternal crown,

Gods power controlling the universe,

The world at his disperse,

His sovereignty!

He is God, and God he will always be.

Questions every eye will one day see,

Who we are when we’re near and when we’re far.

In the light and in the dark,

Shown or not,

There is always a spark,

Who we are when no one’s looking.

When life’s stove is cooking,

Everyone is still looking.

All eyes, all staring.

How many are really caring?

Who we are determines our attitudes,

Our most often moods.

Who we are in the worlds eyes, 

Who we are in Gods eyes.

Gods truth is not the devils lies.

So learn the difference,

With that being said do we even know who we truly are?

Because to God,

Even in his eyes,

We shine more than the brightest stars.

THANK YOU

I’m screaming “Roar”, 

Give me peace so I can soar,

Wings to rise up off the floor,

Flying high I touch the sky.

Go to heaven and never have to say good-bye,

Never watch another die,

Never cry another tear,

Give me peace.

Cut my life another “piece”,

Make me you,

Make me knew,

I want your smile,

It’s been awhile.

You’re on my radar dial,

There’s some things in my life,

I need to file.

File down!

File away!

File today!

Just file!

Organize, no more lies, I realize.

Looking through my eyes,

With the sweetest of pies,

Jesus thank you!

RESCUE ME

I look in the mirror/ I don’t like what I see.

Your love sings to me, yet I’ve no ears to hear.

This depression just won’t let me be.

I look forward to all the things I once heard,

Days of peace,

The church gathers together like geese,

Geese flying south for winter,

The sin that once was life’s splinter,

Cannot go where the geese are going.

Sin cannot be in the presence of God,

All knowing!

For, in the geese the light is always showing.

I dream of life eternal.

No death, no war, with Jesus our kernel.

Just, Jesus being heaven’s door.

But, I am still here.

Inside, my eye drops a tear,

Then I wake up.

My cup is filled to the brim,

I don’t want to feel this anymore,

Please, open a new door,

I need you!

I am looking through the enemies’ view,

I realize it.

Eagle eyes.

Do I really realize it?

The truth, my heart does not get.

Distractions and expectations,

Inside beauty!

This ugliness I cannot hide!

Even when I don’t see it,

I know it’s still there.

So why do I still care?

Jesus break every mirror in my path,

And baptize me with “God’s bath”,

Clean my heart, with pure Michelangelo art,

Art of beauty to live out my servant duty.

Praising you in all ways.

For all days.

Time stands still,

In your arms I am no longer ill,

Fill me with your warmth/love,

Make me clean as a dove,

With you as my armor,

Rescue me Lord and never let me go.

OUT/COMES ENDURANCE

Time tests the very essence of the soul,

And it is time that leaves the very hole,

So much we simply cannot know,

So much time still yet to go, yet to grow,

As the seasons change, people change,

But the world, the world stays the same,

I find this fascinating, and yet so strange,

Theologians studying and debating, 

Meanwhile often then the outcasts are left hating,

Time tests the very essence of the soul.

Emotions and feelings, the one thing we cannot ignore.

Always in the way, the war wages on.

Day after day, from dusk till’ dawn.

People come and people go.

Some are numb and some we overthrow.

Fighting for love, just not fighting from up above.

Heaven, what is heaven?

Some would say heaven is peace,

With the warmth of Jesus as our fleece.

Others might say forgiveness times seven, well that is heaven.

Me, I guess I’d say heaven is everything good.

What I didn’t do, but could.

How I let slip away the “would” and “should”.

Some things we can ignore, 

but emotions and feelings we simply cannot ignore,

We live and die, yet we’re never alone,

Still the truth some will never condone.

A message not of ignorance,

But, a message of inheritance.

Jesus is life,

He is the husband/we the wife.

Love so pure and holy he is,

This I am sure, he loves the blessed and the lowly.

We are all his.

He is always at our hearts knocking,

Question is will you let him in.

We live and die, 

Yet, we are never alone!

TRUE HEARTS

True hearts are two hearts together,
Flying together of the same feather,
True hearts are two hearts beating,
Souls beating together with sound accord,
The accord of becoming one,
True hearts are two hearts together,
When all seems lost, the will thrives,
Thriving and striving for unity,
True hearts are two hearts together.

ALWAYS

There will always be another.
Always is more than recognizable.
Do we not think always? 
Act always,
Live always,
Die always,
Seek always,
Always!
What is always?
Is it the change in the atmosphere?
The cycles of deficiency,
The layers upon layers of what if’s.
Always, what is always.
Always another season,
Another time, another day, another choice, another way.
Always is always I suppose.
Always.
There will always be another always.

JUST ONE MORE

Would I have done it had I known the truth?

Who would I have been had I only known.

Stuck in a moment for “just one more”

One more kiss

One more hug,

One more “I love you”

One more “I’ll never let you go mommy”

One more “mommy don’t leave me”

Just one more!

You thought we’d always be together, as did I.

As did I!

Times that seemed so filled with joy,

Memories that will last for what seems a lifetime.

Great we were, you and I.

I just wasn’t ready.

And, it was I, you see that walked away,

Not you.

You had not a choice.

What is the matter.

This is the matter.

I am the matter.

Just one more!

To take back what I’ve done would be wrong,

I could not do that to you.

I love you more than that.

I love you more!

Silence is sometimes the comfort I seek the most,

It is in the silence I find Jesus saves.

Silence to you, I wish you well.

You are dearly missed my beloved!

BARGAINING

If I know the truth why do I run,

How much do I really believe in the son?

When you forbid such nonsense

My flesh creates this enormous fence,

A barrier within my conscience,

If that even makes sense.

The world at your dispense,

With time, only to convince.

Challenges to grow us,

Will we scream/cuss,

Maybe fight/fuss,

Who will beg for deliverance?

Will they pray for strength?

Or what about the knowledge of length,

Oh the knowledge, oh the externals,

Heart where is your internals.

Ponderance/prudence,

Guidance,

Valleys dark/light,

Shadows day/night,

Shadows go before me,

What is this painting I see,

Colors of old, colors of new,

Sin is like the common cold, running rampant through and through,

Teach me to be still,

Teach me how to fill,

Continue to speak,

That my demons would shriek,

And unto you I will serve,

You and only you my God.

THE SOVERIGHN HAND

All the while I’m down here reaching out,

I can’t find you.

Lord, what do I do?

Lord, tell me what to do! Please.

I don’t want to be me,

I don’t want to see.

Where is the tree of life?

Life without all this strife.

I hate what I’ve become.

Ice fills my heart.

My flesh is tearing me apart.

My spirit withers away.

I’m not okay,

I’m not okay.

Jesus please intercede!

I’m here again.

I want to leave, but I don’t want to leave.

Melancholy sets in,

And once again I begin to sin.

Is it vicious, superstitious/ fictitious?

Cause it most certainly is not still.

Sin is never still!

It’s always moving,

Wooing at our hearts,

Our innermost parts.

Calling out to us,

Tempting.

Emptying our every desire,

In a heated battle we perspire.

Open battle, scattered like blind cattle.

Sheep’s gone astray.

It is with our folly we pay.

We think we’ve really showed up and showed out

We stink!

Like a little pup, we are lost.

Left to pout.

Attention seeking and self-serving,

Intervention blinking.

Self-yearning and self-turning.

Pick me up, my God!

Raise me up O’ Lord!

Save this child of yours, please.

So I may stand tall, and bust the deceit.

Make me worthy of your call,

Remind me of the enemies’ defeat.

The victory is yours O’ Lord,

So much hurt, shame, pain, and anger!

Begin to heal me, and make me tame, Lord make it rain!

Open or closed, I’m not afraid.

I MISS YOU

[An Original Song I Wrote And Composed Myself [With Love] To some very special People In my life I will always remember. To my children SJ and ED, you are not forgotten, with love I will always be with you. Be safe my loves.]

HOOK

I’m happy for you. (3x)

I think about you all the time, you are always on my mind, you are always with me.

VERSE1

My life passes me by and I don’t even know what’s become of me.

Everything around me reminds me of you.

My heart is broke, my heart is broke. How do I move on when I can’t seem to move on. I miss you

CHORUS

You were always what I wanted and I love you very much. I wanted to give you the world. Loosing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I hope you can forgive me.

VERSE2

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you, that I don’t remember everything about you. I can’t forget you. I cry because the pain is real and on the inside I feel like dying. I’m lonely

VERSE 3

I hope to see you again one day. Would you remember me, would you remember us. When I close my eyes for a brief moment we are together. i hope you’re happy and life finds you well. You are loved so loved. If only you knew my heart.

A BREATH IN TIME

At any moment I could truly pass,

But then again how often do I think of you.

I seem to forget you often,

I forget how you discriminate not,

How you favor not.

You are simply but a breath away.

How many times must you prove yourself?

Feelings I’d say not,

But just maybe you truly possess them.

Some may never know,

Sad but so true.

So you think you’ve gotten this far?

You think you’ve made it through.

What would you say if we were face to face?

What would I say if we were face to face?

When we last spoke, I told you I was hurting,

And you comforted my flesh,

While my spirit lied screaming.

The heavens watch my life.

I’m looking in with a knife,

cutting the very happiness, I hold dear away,

Until I have nothing left to say.

No one really knows nor sees,

Except God

You see he knows all things, nothing surprises him.