A BRIEF MOMENT WITHIN A MOMENT

I have wanted things to be perfect for so long, all the while knowing that such would never be. Such was and is non existent. But oh the God of the universe loves me. He completely and irrevocably intolerably love me.

I am the one who longs for God and I pray constantly for him to be enough, yet, I close my eyes.
I'm the girl who flirts with the man at the counter, gets the guys number in line. I'm the girl who comes home from a long day of work only to work around the hour longing to just stop and have a moment with my son.

I'm the one who runs to a man to fill me even though I know only Jesus can fulfill. I'm the one who can recognize the temptation but choose to fall.

I'm the girl who plays with people's emotions because I'm just that selfish. The one who feels the conviction to loud to deny yet I grievously grieve your Holy spirit. I welcome you only to put you out. I pray for closeness and run away when the test arrives.

I doubt my salvation. Lost in this big nation. Filled with indignation of my own self. Putting Jesus in a box on my shelf.
Grace they say. Grace wins. 

But what about today, what about my many sins. Mercy wins, I hear.
I hear Love begins, and he is near. Everything suddenly becomes clear. Oh the joy, lost I say, lost but it's okay.

God is bigger than my enemies. He renews me with endless remedies. Sings over me with harmonious melodies.

Tells me how he loves me, how I am free. Like a tree rooted by waters that cannot easily be moved. Through faith my belief is proved. Self deceived and unaware of the walls of Jericho that I've built, God proves faithful more than I can bear.

Wiping away the guilt and shame, regret is not my name and I am not the same. New, alive, hungry, thirsty, on fire, longing, anxious, emotional I am all of these for my God. Life is but a vapor and my God is with me always. Oh I love you Abba.