THIS WAS MY DREAM

it felt so real, so vivid, I really thought it was real, only to wake up completely overwhelmed with emotions. you were there, and you looked different than I remember, I would look at you often so much and you would not look to me, it was as if you truly moved on, and it was as if I had not, it seems that I truly have been stuck in my past and I have yet to move on. I need to move on.

You were with another and she was not fond of me, then the day came, I thought you were getting baptized, but the one standing next to me quickly let me know that baptism, It was not, the one next to me let me know that you were now "free" in your eyes, something about making an independent decision so freeing that you had finally done to let go, and it was then that you were to be some place far away and I would most likely never see you again. I guess my dreams reveal my heart because [her or not] I ran up to you, grabbed you and embraced you with the overwhelming feelings I had stuffed inside for so long, 

I pretended to be a lot of things since "us", I pretended to have let you go. Though it was I that walked away from you, and as I continue to miss you, I am reminded everytime that it was I that walked away.

you gave me your time, the way you looked at me I don't want to ever forget, you looked at me beyond sadness in your eyes, you looked at me as if you were utterly heartbroken and that I was what you had wanted and I threw it all away, and came running back to you in tears, weeping as you picked me up and held me. 

She watching from the near backside somewhere within distance, as you picked me up. I began to weep, pouring my heart out you held me and briskly took me away to a quiet place with no ears in distance, you began to share your heart, somewhat of your heart, you shared how you believed the moment to be true, you shared how you were "moving on" you couldn't stay, and yes it is true you had tried so hard and everytime I pushed you further away until you were strong enough to let me go, and it was then that I truly loved you but lost you. 

in the dream I poured my heart out to you I completely let go and it was you that I so wanted to have back so much, the dream then switched.
a new dream arose I was trapped in a tunnel of caves with entrances and secret doorways looking for a way out and I was entangled into deeped secret entry ways leaving me lost and running in circles, fear ruled me and overran me and I had so much wanted to escape, as hard as I had tried I was utterly lost and I just couldn't get out. 

I had so wanted freedom but I was lost in this cave of horror. and at one point I had almost gotten free from the torture only to realize there was no escape I would be trapped running in circles, then I went into a deeper sleep.
somehow I got out of the cave and was in a battlefield of some sort and I saw him, secretly disguised I ran to embrace him and the ground we were surrounded by was laced with hidden mines, so every step was a chance to possibly die. "was he worth dying for, was my freedom worth dying for" then I grabbed him and we ran, I inched closer to the end of the field and onto the payment, and I feared death, but it wasn't enough to hold me back though I was utterly scared. 

so I feared but I triumphed. 

we were free, or so I though, there was a wedding and somehow the memories to so many people involved got erased and re intered with falsity, brainwashed, but I knew the truth, I tried so hard to fight my way to this person and to stay but eventually I woke up in utter despair, as I wanted to run to you and call you or text you because I woke up completely missing you [having felt like I was just in a "moment" with you] I entertained the thought more and more of wanting to share my heart with you and try once more because I love you and I want you in my life.  

As I thought deeply about this tempting thought, I thought of the second dream and I realized this is it Mija. "if you do this, then the second dream makes complete sense. if you contact him Mija, even look him up on facebook then the dream is true, you are running in circles with your past. 

you will always begin to progress and grow and change and become better, and then something will trigger some pain in your heart and you will fall back instantly running back and all that progress will have meant nothing, you will have remained living a worthless life of selfishness [tis true]. 

So I realized that when these moments happen I need to continue to let go, remain close to my heavenly father and continue to press on. though my heart aches for you now, I will learn to love God through this.